So inspired, So overwhelmed: The journey to self confidence after graduation

by lizzihill

I’ve spoken a lot on this blog about the difficulties that I’ve encountered since leaving university. I’ve called it “limbo” and ” graduate funk”, I’ve described it as feeling lost, I’ve compared it to the monster under your bed who grabs your ankles and won’t let you get up in the morning. I’ve dressed it up in so many ways, tried to compartmentalise it and put it away in a neat little box in my head- but honestly it’s still got a hold over me, even six months after graduating. 

Today I want to be brutally honest with you about my journey to self confidence, after graduation. Inspired by these amazing videos from Rosianna and Lex about learning to love yourself, whilst struggling with self doubt.

I portray myself as a fairly confident person. I’m sure of my views and the way that I want to behave and live my life. I know what I’m about and generally, I love myself. But I do still have a lot of insecurities, as I think we all do. And the thing that I’ve come to realise lately, is that that’s okay. The fact that I haven’t taken this transition from student to graduate particularly well is okay. The fact that I’m feeling inspired and overwhelmed all at once is also okay- (do you see where I’m going with this yet?)- it’s okay not to be okay. 

Honestly, I don’t think that the negative feelings attached to graduating are addressed nearly often enough. We only ever seem to hear about the positives; the chance to get out in the big wide world, the opportunity to explore the things we’ve spent the last 3 years preparing for. But what happens if that doesn’t come to you straight away- I do celebrate in the achievement of my peers, but I also feel sad and feel solitude in what I perceive to be my own failures. We are frequently told that “university is the best time of your life!” and all those other cliches, so if that is the case, how can we possibly ever be as happy again? Facing graduate life with that thought in the back of your head is a lot to handle and it can become all consuming.

I think, for me, the difficulty comes in the fact that i keep distinguishing between this life and my life before graduation- really, despite moving away from Norwich and back to Kent, they’re not all that different. Fundamentally I am still the same person, I have the same values, the same viewpoints, the same sense of humour and the same friends (although, regrettably, a lot of them now live a lot further away, which manifests itself into a totally different problem). I need to stop treating it as if I’ve entered a new dimension, where everything is different.

The issue comes from having no real structure. I feel so inspired having this time to try new things, to give as much of myself to this blog as I can, to undertake internships and work out what path I want to take with my life. But this is also so overwhelming. I feel  so much pressure to do well and to live up to expectations, but ultimately I think the only person putting that pressure or those expectations on me, is me.

Yet still I go back and forth between the two: inspired and overwhelmed, inspired and overwhelmed, inspired and overwhelmed, and so on…

This, coupled with my current journey of self-belief, self-discovery and self-confidence, are a pretty tricky pair to manage.

Generally, I’m finding there is a certain paradox to job applications, caused by this cycle of inspiration and overwhelm. For those of you that don’t know, I’m interning at Kent Police at the moment- working in their corporate communications department, alongside the marketing team and press office. I’m really enjoying it and finding it very rewarding, but I’ve found it so much harder than I thought I would to put myself out there. Being at home for a large proportion of my time means that I’ve become pretty institutionalised. I’ve been laughing and joking about it with my friends but I honestly could go days without leaving the house, unless forced to. Not for any specific reason, but just because it’s comfortable. I find myself so spoilt for choice with opportunities for self-improvement that, again, I get overwhelmed and do none of them. During January, I really found myself retreating inwardly and ended up very lonely, when I know that what I really needed to be doing was pushing myself forward and upwards. It’s become clear to me over the past few months that it is very hard to try and sell yourself in job applications and interviews, when you really don’t feel yourself at all. In her video Lex talks about ‘faking it till you make it’ and that’s definitely a technique I’ve been employing lately. I feel myself coming back bit by bit every day and hopefully for as long as I continue to fake it, I will eventually make it.

As February rolls around, I feel more positive and more confident and like I can go and get what it is I want. Most importantly, I’ve managed to learn how to be kinder to myself. That might sound a bit silly, because why would I want to be anything other than kind to myself, but really I think we are all our own worse critics. We know ourselves better than anyone, so we have the ability to be so cruel to ourselves. Sometimes there are things which we can’t quite reach, a problem we can’t fix, an itch we can’t scratch, I know now that it’s important to let these things go and focus on what it is I can do.

I write this post as a form of slightly self-indulgent catharsis for myself, but I know that I’m not alone in this because I’ve spoken to friends who are going through similar journeys and feeling similar things.

I would love for you to share your experiences with me, if you want to. Whatever your stage of life, however you feel about things, feel free!

Let’s make February a much better month…

I feel inspired.

Lots of love,